Monday, September 25, 2006

Craziest Thing For Sale on the Subway

Sure everyone's seen people selling batteries on the subway. You've all seen the ladies selling DVD's of movies that aren't even out yet. We've all heard about how some kid is "not selling candy for no basketball team to take no trip but just trying to stay out of trouble" and all he has today is peanut M&M's. There's the two rappers selling their CD's for a buck, good rap, not gangsta rap.

But have you seen the guys selling the camping lanterns that turn on with a remote control?
Yep, his right hand, not shown, holds a remote control that turns this thing on and off. He had a whole handtruck stacked with boxes of these things. I don't know if it was the shirt and tie or some incredible sales pitch but to my complete shock it totally worked since these two people seated actually bought one. You can tell by their expressions that they are blown away by the remote control. They're probably using it as a replacement for the Clapper.

I think this is the product for sale. Hands down the most bizarre item for sale on a New York City subway train that I've seen.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Leaky Pump..from the Future

Corner of 71st and 1st avenue, where the lovely old buildings used to be before they tore them down to build something that I'm sure will be made of glass and will look as tacky as a white brick building does in 15 years.
Of course by then, white brick buildings will be back in vogue and the east 60's will the new hot spot for all the hipsters, who will be called newsters because hipsters will have become as past tense as yuppies. Genny Light will be the new beer of choice as cheap beer irony moves east from Pabst's Blue Ribbon of today, to Pittsburgh's Iron City Light to Rochester's finest Genesee Beer. Manilow is back and he's huge in 15 years by the way. The combover is the new shaved head and tight rolling pants is back bigtime. Mark my words.

Thursday, September 21, 2006


I have found the greatest contraption/insult since the douche bag- the putzmeister. Breaking down putzmeister to it's Latin roots, we get putz and meister. Putz meaning penis in Yiddish and meister meaning master in German. So in other words this awesome machine is the cockmaster. A large cockmaster. The guy who operates this thing would be called a cockmaster pumper, which probably looks really great on the resume if you're trying to get into porn.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Bloomberg Tower Upskirt

I haven't walked past the Bloomberg Tower (aka One Beacon Court aka the building across from Bloomingdales with Home Depot in the basement) in a while.. I guess the courtyard is finally open. The courtyard frankly sort of sucked. It was more like a driveway. They should close it up to traffic and put some benches in the middle or something.

From down here you can almost see the apartments of celebrity residents Jack Welch, Yankee Johnny Damon, Beyoncé Knowles and anchor Brian Williams. Next time I'll bring the super zoom lens- I think Beyonce's bedroom faces this way.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Amazing Race is Back!

Last night was the season premiere of The Amazing Race. I can't believe it's season 10 either. As you recall, I instantly predicted the winners of the last season (the hippies), so the pressure is definitely on me to keep the streak going. CBS made it a little easier this year by knocking out two teams right off the bat. That leaves ten Amazing Race teams left:

David & Mary: aka Team Redneck. They will not get far, having never traveled outside of Kentucky or Tennessee before, they lack travel experience (which is huge). Plus Mary looks totally out of shape and they're rednecks.

Lyn & Karlyn: aka Team Alabama Moms. These two look to be very tough and determined and will hustle without complaint the whole race. However they are carrying a lot of cornbread and grits weight (is that what people from Alabama eat? is that racist? how about Waffle House weight?) and that will literally slow them down.

Dustin & Kandace: aka Team Miss USA. Beauty queens do not have a good track record in any of these type of competition shows, so I do not expect them to do well. I will give them serious bonus points for being from NYC and LA, and having travelled internationally a lot (I assume) but they will not win.

Kellie & Jamie: aka Team Sorority Cheerleaders. Too young, too cheerleaderish. They will attempt to use their looks to get ahead but that won't get you to the finals. It may work in the warm countries but try using your looks when you're the ugly bundled up ducking in Sweden. As soon as it gets cold, they're gone.

Peter & Sarah: aka Team 3 Leg. Sarah has 1 leg and Peter makes legs. Unfortunately Peter does not repair legs and Sarah's leaking fluid. She will make an admirable effort but Fogelling the other teams by using the disability card (unnecessarily) to board a plane early in the first leg- not a smart move. You can't make enemies this early. Sure Sarah can run triathlons, but there's more to the Amazing Race than just running far.

Rob & Kimberly: aka Team Jonathan & Victoria Pt 2. The fighting couples never win. You need to be strong with your teammate and inevitably the fighting couple will breakdown and lose their focus. They will of course in their losing on the mat speech say how this has helped strengthen their relationship and it's a once in a lifetime shared experience but they will lose.

Tom & Terry: aka Team Gay. Gay teams have traditionally done well and these guys look to be very smart, savvy and determined. However, they are an older team, don't appear as athletic as others, so they will flame out somewhere in Europe I predict.

Tyler & James: aka Team Balloon Huffing Addiction. If the race stops in Amsterdam, these guys are screwed. Models/Ex Addicts? Not two of the more intelligent things to be. They are strong and young but I think they will get caught up by either woman (or men if they're gay) and partying. Close but not good enough.

Duke & Lauren: aka Team Dad & Gay Daughter. These two seem tough. Experienced and in shape. They come off as non-threatening which is a huge advantage since the other teams won't try to screw you over. I'm predicting a 2nd place finish.

Erwin & Godwin: aka Team Asian Brothers. Ladies and gentlemen, you're next winners of the Amazing Race- Erwin & Godwin. These two are smart, focused, and athletic. They have a good team dynamic and look like the team to beat. As long as they don't make any stupid mistakes, they could stay middle of the pack the whole way and finish up strong at the end. Congrats in advance Erwin & Godwin.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Mozzarepa Motherload

What could be better than a cornbread grilled cheese with mozzarella cheese made on a dirty New York City street by a greasy guy with no gloves on? How about a whole truckload of the street treat known as the mozzarepa? Mozzarepas are know for their "unique digestive qualities" courtesy of the intense combination of dairy, corn, and fat.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Uptown Umbrellas Rocking the Colors

I noticed today that the umbrellas Uptown tend to be much brighter and more colorful than the plain black I often see in Midtown. Further investigation will be required but I do sense a trend and as you know Velvet Sea is on the cutting edge of all major trends. Our bloggy senses are tingling hardcore on this one.
8x10's of this or any other original photography on this site are available for your walls for $10 plus shipping. you know you want it. email----->


Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Pothole Cone

Reason #8888 that New York is the greatest city in the world- we have the world's best potholes. You think you have big potholes Boston, Philly, Chicago? That's nothing, welcome to the majors kid, now you're playing with the big boys. Check out this deep one spotted earlier today in the West Village:Did you know, New York's groundhog used to be called Pothole Pete but is now called Staten Island Chuck? Lame!

Monday, September 11, 2006


Here's some before, during, and after pictures of the Twin Towers...all from the same roll of film.. excuse the low quality as I don't have a scanner and they're glossy...

July 19th, 2001.. a boat on the Hudson
Sept 11, 2001 around 6pm from the Queensboro Bridge

October 27th

...listen to the silent trees....but still your words float on the breeze....look away

Thursday, September 07, 2006

President's Club at Newark

Ever wondered what goes on beyond the gilded doors of Continental Airline's President's Club at Newark Airport? Sure, we all do. Thanks to my Continental Airlines Mastercard and it's 2 free passes per year, I was able to find out last week. The entrance is almost unobtrusively hidden down a long hallway and is guarded by two workers at a counter. You present your qualifications and are allowed to enter.

Upon entry there is another counter staffed by two workers. I'm assuming this is some sort of concierge type service but I'm not positive. The President's Club itself is quite large and contains many (maybe 25?) small cubicle type rooms with outlets and a desk for business, showers, children's playroom, and a TV room with a few huge flat screens. Bathrooms are decent.

The main lounge room has a two counters with coffee machines and crackers and small glass doored fridge with individual sized wrapped cheeses- cheddar and jack. There is a large bar with bowls of snacks on it- lays chips, fritos, oat n honey granola bars (crunchy type), some biscotti cookie biscuit thing, and mini pretzels. The bar is a free open bar serving bottom shelf liquor (no Jack Daniels, no vanilla vodkas, etc). The beer selection is minimal and the red wine tastes cheap. Of course since it's a free open bar, by the third drink who really cares!

As you can see, there are flat screens above the bar and the decor of the entire lounge area is quite modern. There are huge wide comfy leather armchairs everywhere, grouped in fours around coffee tables. Plenty of room to kick back and chill before your flight. The atmosphere is very relaxed, a calm oasis compared to the cattle call in the airport outside.
The best part of Continental Airline's President's Club is it's members. People with money have no taste at all. Never before have I seen so many boat shoes in one place. The ratio of people with the stupid bluetooth phone earpiece in their ears to normal earth people was phenomenal. A true scientific anomaly. It was as if every rich person stereotype had come to life..tanned white guys in boat shoes with huge pinkie rings and a combover, black guys with bling everywhere, even on the cellphone, older ladies drooping yet pinned back faces with almost no nose left to hold up their oversized sunglasses from too much plastic surgery, investment banker looking guys in suits and flip flops trying to pick up the one single woman in the place at the bar. I saw multiple sweaters tied around the front of the neck, tennis style.

Overall the Continental President's Club Newark experience is pretty awesome. They serve the rich up crappy drinks and cheap snacks and they lap it up like catnip. For the regular average Joe, it's good people watching enhanced by the free drinks and comfy seats. And there's some long lasting mints available by the door on your way out to mask any $6 bottle of whisky smell on the breath. Highly recommended.

category: mile wide club

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Wackass Google Searches To Here

Today I present you the craziest, weirdest, sickest searches that brought visitors to this site. Now you probably are asking yourself, "isn't that the type of crap filler post that lame bloggers put up when they have nothing else to write?" and you would be correct smart reader. You would also probably speculate that by putting up a new post with those search terms might lead to a self perpetuating cycle of more sickos coming back to this site through those same searches. Well, probably yes SEO genius reader.

But regardless, these lists are always entertaining and I'm still recovering from vacation so here are some of the crazy searches that brought others here: most grilled cheese eaten, runway walks, tamar and prince and the twins, trey anastasio park slope, can i smoke pot inside the hammerstein ballroom, subway station size measurement, cirie boobs, unan1mous sucks, manhands, inventions on flatulence odor, survivor is awesome, bacon brothers salmon plugs, madonna with whip, see animals humping, monkeys on a subway, monkeys humping, humping, richard stabone censors, do they still make nuprin?.

category: bacon brothers manhands humping richard stabone in park slope